During what was an otherwise uneventful week of festivals and festivity, a secret letter from BCCI President N. Srinivasan to the newly appointed selection committee chief Sandeep Patil found its way into the hands of a Zee News reporter, Khelpremi PoleKholwar.
The Zee News reporter, in keeping with the ethos of his company, reportedly requested Srini to cough up Rs.100 crore in return for not placing the letter in the public domain. The CSK owner, on the other hand, blasted the news channel saying, “This is nonsense! Badava rascals. They came to me first with 20 crores to write such a letter and when I refused, they wrote one themselves.”
The leaked content of the confidential correspondence between the BCCI President and the Chief Selector has sent shock-waves across the cricket world, from Kanpur to Kingston, Kandy to Karachi. Ravi Shastri was one of the first to express disgust by saying in his trademark style, “This is not what the doctor ordered. Srini sir took the whole Indian team and threw it at the kitchen sink. I doubt that at the end of it all, cricket will be the real winner.”
On the other hand, Navjot Singh Sidhu, making no sense at all as usual, cried to one of the Bigg Boss cameras, “Oye Guru!!! Letters are like mini skirts. They conceal more than they reveal. Chak De Phatte!!!”
Whatever the truth be, here is the blessed epistle that made its way through The Unreal Times’ firewalls:
Dear Sandeep thambi,
Subject : Daddy Is Here
Knock off that I-Am-The-Man attitude of yours before it’s too late, because I am the BIG BAD DAWG here. You have already let our cards out by choosing an all pace attack for the practice game against England. You made it so obvious that even that headless Vaughan guy got hold of it. Let the Daddy handle this from here.
These are the instructions for you to follow before you announce the final team:
Dhoni: He will be the non-playing captain this time and will only appear at the presentation ceremony to maneuver novel excuses for the loss. Let my son concentrate on what he does best.
Sachin: I spoke to him regarding his availability. As the next Tennis Grand Slam is not due till next January, he agreed to play.
Kohli: Make him the on-ground captain. The fancy-mouthed brat deserves his share of stardom.
Rohit Sharma: Hahahahahaha!!! Okay Okay. Toss a One rupee coin, if it’s head take his err…him.
Sehwag: He promised me not to bully Dhoni. So we can count him in. Just in case he does, keep his shoulder injury report ready.
Gambhir: He said, “Enough of Korbo, Lorbo, Jitbo re”. I said, “Let’s do it Rajini style”.
Ashwin: Automatic choice.
Bhajji: He can’t even turn the bloody ball. Ashwin told me the other day that after every ball Bhajji bowls, he comes to him asking “Have I turned it large?” Drop him.
I thought of requesting Anil Kumble for a comeback, but it will disturb our ‘All Spin Attack’ strategy. Also, we can’t take Romesh Pawar for this Kejriwal guy may come up saying Sharad Pawar influenced this selection. Let’s try Raina’s nephew. I heard, he turns events on its head, hope he will do the same with the ball.
For the rest of the guys I saddle you with the responsibility of choosing from the wealth of talent Chennai Super Kings posesses. Choose wisely!
Yours Truly,
One and Only,
Srini Mama